her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Every time my phone rings
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?