My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
You Might Also Like
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I think they could have phrased this better
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
love it when they get my name right
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.