How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay