Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.