CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I thought this was funny lol
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.