My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*limbos under the caution tape
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂