Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke