QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.