THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”