Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.