me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
finally
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her