I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back