PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You Might Also Like
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Monday?
No. Next question.
School be like
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.