[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.