Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Autocarrot sucks!
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.