My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
How funny!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you