[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.