Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I am HOWLING at this
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.