Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
marvel comics have peaked
Beauty and the Beast
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you