I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
this is the news I live for
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.