Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.