15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: