Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
welp
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
multitasking lunch
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.