Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Teach your children to beatbox
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.