Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them