me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?