sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
selfie game
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.