if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday