*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
You Might Also Like
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Saw online –