Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
You Might Also Like
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
not to brag, but mine was free
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.