OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Effort made
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
🤣😂
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon