I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.