Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses