Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple