monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Krampus.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Dear Lord..