8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*