It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
You Might Also Like
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“I’m helping” 😅
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.