My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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Iâm a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and Iâm appalled they donât have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
âŚThe end.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when youâre singing along to a really good song in the car.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonkaâs factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees Iâm not listed*
âWell thatâs a reliefâ
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making todayâs parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* Whatâs this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kaleâd me for the last time
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Overheard at the mall: âItâs 70% off plus another 30% off… thatâs 100% off!â
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying âbless youâ I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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