An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Geez man, take it easy.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.