*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.