Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
FINE, I WON’T.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?