What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.