When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭