Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.