They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.