ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
it’s the silliest best thing
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair