I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.