I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Does your wife know you’re single?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat