I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.