One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I’m not lazy
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Welcome to the stomach
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit